Deer hunting season opened this past week.    I don’t hunt.  It’s not that I’m against hunting. I’m not. 

My husband loves to hunt.  I love my husband, but I still don’t like to hunt.

I don’t hunt because it involves getting up before the sun and going into the woods.  I only get up before the sun if the reward is a great bargain.  I do not consider a deer to be a great bargain.

I don’t hunt because it’s COLD during hunting season. When it’s cold I like to sit by the fire and whine about how cold it is.  Whining is not allowed during hunting.

And that’s another reason I don’t like to hunt – you have to be quiet.  Even after you shoot a deer…wait, let me use the appropriate vernacular …. harvest a deer  you still have to be quiet.  I don’t get it. You don’t celebrate your success.  You are just quiet.  Not my thing. I like to jump and shout gloating when I find a great bargain.  Apparently, jumping and shouting are not acceptable hunting behavior.

I don’t like to hunt because it requires sitting very quiet in a shooting house or climbing up in a tree, which is just CRAZINESS, and sitting in a tree stand. A tree stand is just a fancy name for some contraption that is not much more than an chair you strap to a tree – way high up in the tree. 

When you’re hunting you have to be careful about smells and my husband puts some icky scent on his shoes.  Apparently deer are attracted to icky scent.  I don’t know why.  It’s a mystery to me.

I like to shop.  I get to sleep in and still go shopping.  I get to talk when I shop.  I am warm when I shop.  I can buy coffee and drink it very loudly!  I smell good when I shop. 

And when I harvest a bargain…. I shout, twitter, yell, tell everyone within hearing distance.  I celebrate the harvest!

And that’s why I don’t like to hunt – no celebration.