If you’ve spent any time around here (THANK YOU) you’ve probably read my thoughts on friends, faith, adventure, and fun. Lately, I’ve felt the need to share something that is not fun — it’s about friends and faith, but it’s the hard stuff. Not the fun, pretty girlfriend topics I tend to write about, but it’s life — it’s in my upcoming book and I’ve lived it.
I could fill up pages and pages on the hard stuff, but I want to start with Dangerous Friends — we’ve all met them and you may have even had one. Very few people know this story and I’ll continue to be somewhat vague with dates, names, and details out of respect for all those involved.
She seemed like such a blessing. We had so much in common. We liked the same things… at least it seemed that way.
She thought I was interesting. She seemed intrigued by my life (which is far from fascinating). She WANTED to be my friend and it was intoxicating. But it also happened so fast — zero to confidante in weeks. (Warning!)
She was new in town and new to our church. She served in the ministry. I was (and am) just a girl (and yes I use the term very loosely) who loves Jesus while stumbling through life. She wanted to inside scoop (aka gossip) on everyone. (Warning!) I jumped right into the gossip. It was wrong and I knew it, but I still dove in.
There were more red flags —
The ‘you won’t believe what she said about you… but don’t tell her I said anything’ comments that hurt me and served no purpose. (Warning!)
The half truths that made her out to be the victim and cast those who questioned her or her family as villains. (Warning!)
The drama, constant drama. (Warning!)
Please don’t think I’m blaming her for everything. I’m not. I loved being in her inner circle. I loved having a best friend. I loved being the ONE she trusted, the ONE she called on. I loved being needed. It was intoxicating and dangerous. I saw those red flags. I knew that things were not as they seemed. I heard the Lord speaking straight into my heart. I knew something was wrong, but I chose not to see or hear.
If I pretended there wasn’t a problem, there wouldn’t be one. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Refusing to look just made it worse.
The drama continued. Friendships were sacrificed. Hearts broken, yet I stood by her.
Warnings came from trusted friends who spoke truth into my life …I didn’t listen.
When I finally remove my blinders and looked at the reality of the situation I was heartbroken. When I confronted her, the mask slipped and for a brief moment I saw her — a scared, mean girl who grew up to be an insecure woman who doesn’t know how to be a friend.
I could finally see what others had tried to tell me about. I realized just how foolish I’d been. I’d trusted her and she’d lied to me, manipulated but I ALLOWED it. Don’t miss that part –
I allowed it.
I was mad. At her, but mostly at myself. In my anger, I shut the door on friendships. I wasn’t about to let another person close enough to make a fool of me again.
I was hurt. I was ashamed — before God. I was mortified that I’d turned a deaf ear to what the Lord was SHOUTING at me. I wanted to crawl under a rock — and I did for a time. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stand before a group of women again. But God is good and He uses the messes we make to His great glory! Amen!
Somehow God has seen fit to take me, a girlfriend mess, and give me a message about God, Grace and girlfriends.
I still struggle with trusting women. I’ve learned to take each friendship before Jesus. I lay it at His feet and ask Him what He would have me do. I’ve learned to listen.
It’s a hard lesson and one that I do not want to repeat.
What about you —
Have you found yourself in a toxic relationship?
Open your heart to what God is saying to you.
Look at the entirety of the situation and listen to the Lord. He can (and does) take our messes and use them for His glory. I’m proof of that!
I’m so proud to call you friend. SO proud.
Sweet Woman! You knoweth of what you bloggeth! Mary – this is so good – I can HARDLY wait for your book. Yes, relationships are complex and painful, but as you and I have shared before – there is something about getting older and wiser that brings a peace. I’ve learned so much about trust – discerning and listening as you say to the Lord. He does SPEAK if I’ll sit and listen. (Just wrote about quietness on my blog – thanks for stopping by.) Toxicity is just that – poison. I heard a quote about bitterness and poison that resonated with me one time. “Bitterness is when you drink the poison and wait for the other person to die.” I want to live with JOY and true friendships with other women. Beth Moore’s study called “Loving Well” deals with all this complexity. It’s so good. I’ve rambled enough, it’s past my bedtime…another Joy of being a Titus woman!!!
Love you,
Jan
Whew!! I think we have all either been in one of these or seen one up close. We would be wise to do exactly what you have suggested…take each friendship to the Lord. Any friendship or relationship that causes one to exclude others in their lives is a toxic relationship. I’ve seen this happen way too many times when a girl gets a new possessive boyfriend. It is a death trap.
Wow! You’ve got guts, Missy! and that’s what I love about you. (among other things) Thanks for your honesty that hits home to all of us. Love to you. 🙂
Love you Mary!
Thank you Mary for sharing this. I think perhaps god has a reason to send those types of people in our lives… and we learn from that so very much..
Mary! I know about this on every side. Jesus, help us!
I love you and am grateful for your honest words, not just to reveal a problem, but to direct women to go to Him to fix it all.
love,
rachel
And He is the ONLY ONE who can make us whole and in Him we are beloved, redeemed, accepted, and forgiven. We are holy in Him!
Unfortunately, I can relate. Sadly, they (the insecure woman who doesn’t know how to be a friend) allows satan to use them to destroy relationships. Satan eases his way into our homes, workplace, and worst of all our churches through these toxic situations. It’s hurtful, but how miserable it must be for them to skip from ‘friend’ to ‘friend’ leaving a trail of brokenness? Thank you for sharing this…it’s comforting to know that God can and WILL use this for our good and HIS glory. I want my life to be a trophy for Jesus, not a trophy for satan.
me too, girl! me too!! I want to God’s vessel — cracked and broken, but still His vessel!!
Mary,
Thank you for being you and allowing God to use you! I am blessed by your honesty and thankful for your friendship. May each one of us be challenged to always point our sisters to HIM.
God bless you, sweet woman.
Your sister in Christ,
Karen
I just recently ended a friendship like this one. I had had enough of the comments like “I was going to order a pair of shorts like yours but they don’t make them small enough for me!” Why did it take so long to realize it. It has been hard to completely cut off the friendship, somehow it feels like I’m the bad person for doing that, but I have such peace now that she is not around me anymore. I know God has answered my prayers. I’m just trying to move….
Cara, I have a friend who says the exact same things to me. I’ve distanced myself over the years, but the sad part is, I miss the great parts of her. In 20 years of friendship, we’ve had so much fun together. But it got to where the painful comments (ie: ‘we love our new friends from Sunday school because they have the money to do stuff with us that the rest of our friends don’t have’) outweighed the good stuff. I’ve backed off gradually so it wasn’t cold turkey obvious. But I miss her still. Isn’t that crazy?
You’re right though… the peace is palpable now.
God is good.
Lavonda — it’s not crazy. I miss my friend too — or really I miss the friend I THOUGHT she was.
It’s hard, but God is good.
Sweet Mary, I love your honesty and your heartfelt words. God loves you and through this experience, you learned a valuable lesson of life. The message here is one of victory! Praise Him for his faithfullness and his love for us all. We all learn through our relationships. Love you girl.
Mary, you’re a breath of fresh air. Honest and open air. Looking forward to your book! I wonder if there’s a place in there where you talk about this toxicity when it’s a family member? I’m blessed to have that too. It’s a bit more complicated than a friendship. Giving it to God is all I can do. That, and wait for that lightning bolt in my front yard that tells me what to do about it. Focusing on the great friendships and low maintenance family members makes it easier too.
Thanks for being who you are Mary. You’re a blessing.
Thank you, Mary, for your honesty and Godly advice. Relationships can be wonderful and terrible, sometimes all at once. It’s so hard when we are disillusioned by someone we care about. The silver lining is that it makes us more determined than ever not to be a disappointment to those who love us. Love reading your blog; love YOU, girl!
Good stuff Mary!
I’m so so so AFRAID of toxic relationships that I tend to keep a healthy(?) distance from everyone.
Of course, I wouldn’t recommend this route either.
Oh. Mary. Change the details but the ending in gossip was the same. I timidly ended that relationship in January. Fortunately, I found a card from a study on Toxic Relationships in a church I was visiting, or, I might have gone back…Then I realized that another gal was becoming quite a bully in her demands and hostile to my opinions and I’ve stepped away.
“I’ve learned to take each friendship before Jesus. I lay it at His feet and ask Him what He would have me do. I’ve learned to listen.” I needed this advice, thank you. I’m noting it in my journal. Elaine
Mary,
Ain’t God good? He is so loving, patient, watches over us and protects us. He teaches us and waits on us to come to our senses! I have been there, done that. In the hard lessons of life, I’m always reminded of my oldest brother. He would always tell me that it is the pressure on the ol’ chunk of coal that makes it a sparkling diamond. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to the sparkling state but to hang on and trust in God, He will get me to the sparkly shine!I am so proud of you and can’t wait for the book to come out. I love you sweet girlfriend.
WOW!! You could have been telling MY story. Thank you for putting it into words for me. This post came to me in God’s timing! Thank YOU!
Yes, we had a new neighbor and they had no laundry and I offered to let them come and do their laundry at our house. It seemed so wonderful to have a new friend so close (I had just moved and didn’t really have any friends). She and her husband joined our church and our husbands were really getting along….but warning signs started going off. She wasn’t only toxic, she was dangerous. She tried to commit suicide and then she tried to kill her husband. It was pretty scary to have the police at our house with her in the back seat. I’ve been leery every since to really open up to new people….and more prayerful about who we really let into our lives.
On another note….I told my dad about the cruise and he hinted at helping me pay for it so I could go. I’m praying about that too.
Working in a church (that is also my church family), I have seen the devastation toxic relationships cause. In fact, I know firsthand…my family went through a terrible time as a result of things said and done by some people we thought were our friends.
Forgiveness certainly didn’t come easy. My husband and I had to make the decision – daily – to walk in forgiveness toward those who had hurt us the most. Without that, bitterness sets in. (The quote Jan shared about bitterness is powerful!)
Thanks, sweet Mary, for sharing the truth. I am truly blessed to call you my friend.
Love you…
I had this experience in a shepherding church not long after I was saved. My husband and I loved the dedication and closeness of the people, all of whom wanted more, more, more than they were getting in the small denominational churches in our rural county. My toxic relationship was not with an individual (although the dominating leader would surely qualify) but with a toxic, legalistic church. I learned so much about the Bible while attending but I developed a real understanding of Grace when I left. I felt like I was a Jew who became a Christian. This was a good thing concerning my relationship with Jesus, but a very bad thing concerning my feelings toward church groups.
Unfortunately, most of my experiences with churches have either been filled with abuse or neglect. My husband and I have grown so much over the years that we are praying now about gathering up all those other Christians in this rural area and starting a new work. We have a mentor from a grace-filled, dynamic church who is praying with us about this possibility. Time to finish the healing.
Mary thank you for your post I will not go into detail but I have had more than one toxic relationship with a few ,and it’s like I heard God clearly to stay away but I wanted friends and suffered the consequences later and now I pretty much distance myself because I am so afraid to be hurt .But I am thankful that God loves me and I did not come by your blog by chance or when we had prayer time for Joanne God I know had are paths cross thru this crazy online Internet and I can honestly say I am proud to call you my friend and I am thankful you inspire me and you encourage me thank you.
Can’t wait to read your book when it comes out.
Carol
Thanks for your message! It is exactly something I am struggling with right now! I have simply cut off unneccessary communication until God shows me exactly how to handle her! I loved her completely and she made me laugh more than most of my friends…but the backstabbing, gossiping and realization that she and I really are not much alike as I thought…is to much for me to ignore! Thanks again! This was my 1st time on your blog and enjoy reading your articles! God Bless!