Recently I talked about Toxic Relationships — I was saddened at the amount of email I got from women who've suffered through some tough relationship junk. It's like there's an epidemic of bad girlfriend relationships — and we don't know how to cure it. Beyond that we don't even want to talk about it.
We'll admit to relationship problems in our marriage and with our children, but it's a rare thing to hear us announce “I'm having a hard time with my friend.” Sure, we'll talk ABOUT a friend (not that we're truly a friend if we're talking ABOUT her) , but to admit that we are hurt or confused in our friendships is not something we do.
I wonder why?
I didn't want to talk bad about her. Well, I really did want to talk about her. I wanted everyone to know she was mean to me, but it wasn't just her fault, it was my fault and I didn't want to talk about that part. Also, we had so many common friends that I didn't want to put them in the position of taking sides. I just kept my mouth shut. I would love to tell you I kept quiet to glorify God, but I didn't. I was just saving face.
I was embarrassed. Yes, embarrassed. I felt foolish and silly to be so hurt by a friend. It wasn't like my husband left or my kids were involved in drugs. This was just a friend. It was JUST a friendship — why was I so broken up over it? Why do I still miss the friend I thought she was?
I don't have the answers but I know that the enemy is hard at work among friendships. We, as women, tend to lead with our hearts. We love much, we are emotional, hormonal and social creatures. It's the way God created us. It's a part of who we are, but we cannot allow our emotions to control us. We can't allow the social to become our idol. We can't allow our feelings to dictate our actions. We serve a powerful and mighty God who is faithful and true to each of us. He will equip us for each task He lays before us and if that task involves a difficult relationship He will equip us for it. (Heb 13:21)
We have power, wisdom and might — we are a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a woman for His possession. We shout the praises of the One who called us out of the darkness and into His marvelous Light. (from 1Peter 2:9)
That means we do not succumb to relationship junk, we step up and we step over the mess. Not hurting a sister, but not allowing her mess to mess us up.
God has a plan and a purpose for each of us. For me and for you. We can't fulfill that plan if we are bogged down in all the mess that surrounds toxic friendships.
It's not easy to walk through this junk unscathed. It's impossible to not be impacted by a toxic relationship, but let's commit to use it for good. How that works out for you is likely very different than it is for me. God calls each of us to a very individual walk.
Let's stop the epidemic. How? What are your thoughts?
How can we stop toxic relationships before they start? or recognize them quickly?
Hey, sweet Mary! I’ve spent far too many hours on this topic and rehashing it, praying over it and sorting it out so here are my initial thoughts to your final question.
How can we recognize toxic relationships?
For me it involved these things: (1) the person wanted more than I had time or emotional energy to give yet continued to demand, (2) the person intruded in my life and my family’s life, (3) the person thought I owed her something and was clingy and needy in a dysfunctional way.
All these put together made it very draining. I love this person (still do) but it was an unbalanced relationship and I either had to get unbalanced also or it didn’t work. Thank God, seriously, that He alerted me and after several years I was able to just say that I could not continue to throw my own family and life on the backburner to jump through hoops on demand. For a long while it slipped past me because I was able to do favors, go out of my way and it was a give and take semi-normal thing but then the ante got raised and I just could not meet up.
I also had to learn that we can’t be friends with everyone. Sometimes I think Christians don’t know this — we can live and let live, love others and not be bound to every single acquaintance as if she were our bestie.
Some time and some seasons, Jesus needs to be our only bestie! Love these writings and can’t wait for the book =) I’d love to host you a little book party when it comes out. We will talk. Hugs, J
Some time and some seasons, Jesus needs to be our only bestie!
I LOVE this phrase — it’s FILLED with truth. I love your heart and thank you so much for sharing your three keys to recognizing an unbalanced relationship — great wisdom in those words dear friend. Great wisdom!
Hi Miss Mary! Great article – talking about something that just isn’t discussed much. I have had my share of relationships gone bad. Some we discussed the issues and decided to go our separate ways. But others, nothing was discussed and I still feel the hurt. Years later, I am still not sure what went wrong. Is it my fault for not being a friend and asking “what happened?” Yes, it is. But it is her fault as well. Girlfriends can be messy. I have decided that it is best to figure things out before I get stuck in a long relationship with someone I am not compatible with. So, I take a “temperature” of the relationship in the beginning. How do I feel when I am around this person? Does she make me feel like I matter? Does she make me want to know Jesus more? Does she challenge me in my thinking (in good ways, that don’t make me sin in angry)? If the relationship seems like a good one to pursue, then I pursue. If not, then I stay clear. The Holy Spirit is always a good guide – you know, that gut feeling you get when you are around someone.
Thanks for starting the discussion! Hope many will join in.
Katy — I want to be the girl who, in your words “makes her want to know Jesus more” — that is truly the desire of my heart. I love your idea of the temp. check — and trusting the Holy Spirit, YES!
I love what Jill said, especially that we are not called to be everyone’s close friend. Jesus, Himself, loved all men, but gathered only a small group as good friends, and an even smaller “inner circle” with Peter, James and John. He was not exclusive, but was choosy about with whom He would share His innermost heart. I loved what Katy said, too, about asking “does she make me want to know Jesus more.” That, right there, really causes the “cream” to rise, doesn’t it? And another great question along the same lines: “Do I cause OTHERS to want to know Jesus more?…Am I that kind of friend?”
I truly had never thought about the fact that we don’t talk about girlfriend problems with the same ease as family, marriage, etc. But you’re right, we don’t. As I sit here and examine my own experience, I find it MUCH easier to discuss other “pit” areas of my life; rarely do I bring up my broken friendship with anything more than “I went through a painful time with a friend.” Incredible. Thought-provoking.
I think you’re onto something, Mary R.
And his name is satan.