I’ve started this post about ten different times and in ten different ways. I know what I want to say but I just don’t know how to get it going. I tried serious, but I just don’t do serious well. I end up sounding like a cross between the SNL Church Lady and Whirlpool repair man. Weird, I know.
So, I dropped serious and went to third person, but I just got confused and stopped. I tried funny, but it sounded goofy. So, I’m just going to pour my heart out on the page and let’s see what happens.
We started a new Bible study this week and I’m just thrilled and honored to be leading an incredible group of women. They are funny, talented, and bright – and probably a whole bunch more adjectives. Some I know well and others I’m looking forward to getting to know. We have a blast both nights (we have a Sunday night group and a Wednesday night group) and I was cleaning up the room Wednesday night and the Lord just spoke a word straight to my heart — “Remember.” Oh, and did I.
I remember walking into this room almost two years ago. My heart was so heavy it ached. I didn’t want to be in the company of women. I didn’t want to be in the company of anyone. I wanted to hide somewhere lick my wounds and whine – a lot. But I couldn’t, the Lord just wouldn’t let me so I sat down and made small talk.
Now, this is probably the place where you’re wondering “what happened to her?” Did she lose a loved one? Was someone sick? No to all those. I won’t go into all the details, but I’d allowed someone to manipulate and deceive me. I hope you noticed the word ALLOWED, because God warned me, but I ignored those warnings. He did everything short of bopping me on the head with a hammer and I don’t think that would’ve gotten my attention either. Bottom line — I learned that people I thought loved me for me, just used me as a means to an end. Not exactly what I’m looking for in friends. And I was heartbroken over lies I bought in to and believed. Oh, did I mention I was knee deep in writing a book about girlfriends at this time? Talk about a wake up call. The writing went on hold – it’s really hard to write about fun, friendship stuff when you’re licking your wounds over a toxic friendship.
God taught me some amazing truths during all of this. I learned that I was at fault, too – I overlooked too much and turned away from warning signs. I learned that red flags mean stop! I learned that people are human and faulty and I am, too. I learned that I can only live to please the Lord. I can’t please people and I might as well not even try.
As I looked around that room I remembered the journey I’ve been on for the past two years. I journey that I never wanted to take, but one that has brought me to a place of new dependence on the Lord; a place that allows me to live a transparent life (to the point that I’m posting all of this online for everyone to read); and a place of a new freedom and joy in this life. I doubt I would’ve ever learned all of this so quickly without the hurt of that broken friendship and the realization that people will fail me and that God will not.
So this journey continues, but the pain is much less, but the memories remain. The lessons are etched on my heart. I struggle with trusting people but I do it (sometimes with clenched teeth, but I do it). I’ve had a year of amazing blessings and God has poured his grace and favor all over me. I’m humbled to serve Him and in awe of His goodness and His greatness.
Oh boy, do I understand the things you’re talking about (and yes I just ended that sentence with a preposition!). It was a little over 2 years ago that I went through a whole friend “thing”. I lost almost all the people I thought were friends. I see now that God was weeding my garden to prepare me for what He had planned.
I’m glad you opened up and didn’t do church lady/maytag repairman. The more serious posts are harder to write, and I’m glad you figured out how to spill it!
*hugs*
I had something similar happen to me in HS, and I have not been able to have a close “girlfriend” since!! It is just so hard for me to open up now and be completely honest about myself! Do you deal with this? I find myself holding back so much because I fear being hurt again. I have been working on it and getting a little better, but I am always afraid of what “they” are really thinking! Wondering just how much I can trust.
Thanks for this post!!! I don’t feel alone!:)
Jeanette — trust is never easy and yes, I do struggle with trusting people now.
How do I deal? carefully and cautiously — probably more than I should. I approach each new friendship slowly. I pray about new relationship, asking the Lord to give me the discernment I need. He is faithful and He gives me what I need to get through each new day.
I’ve also learned to pay attention to the warning signs. Another thing I’ve learned — you’re going to get your feelings hurt from time to time. That’s life in this fallen world. Just remember that He is always there and He will never fail us.
Thank you for your sweet response; it meant a lot to me! Would it surprise you to know that encouragement is one of my spiritual gifts AND I’m the celebrate recovery encouragement leader at my church? God just gives me so much more than I deserve and I’m glad one of them brought a smile to your face.
(I went to Savannah area to spend some time with my husband, so I’m just now able to respond. He’s currently working outside of Savannah with the Army. Nice area!)
Mary, Mary, Mary,
My thought on this is that you need to ‘waller’ in that grace and favor that God has poured over you! Soon all the etched places will be filled with Him and you will once again be smooth!
Sometimes I think we go through things like this to help us to better minister to others who are going through the same things. Never forget what you learned!
He knew your heart all along and yet he also knew your head! He knew what you were going to do and yet he was waiting on the other side with arms open wide! Ain’t God good?!!
You are a most precious friend to me and I love you!